americugh: When a cute boy sneezes I don’t say bless u because I see that god already has
gnarly-gnat: one time at a wax museum i thought one of the tour guides was a wax person cuz they were just standing there not moving so i go up to them like “who the fuck is this supposed to be” then they just looked at me and laughed
kankrivantas: do you ever think really awful thoughts and suddenly become aware that you are not a good person
-annoying: i wanna play twister with someone really hot oops i fell & touched your whole body
thebatteur: once in kindergarten a girl asked me to write “super girl” on her arm since i was the only kid who could write so i wrote “shit” on her arm and i hid under the table for like 30 minutes then the teacher found me and yelled at me then called my parents and my dad laughed so hard he cried
theyellowbrickroad: so i was wearing this shirt with these super comfortable jeans all day but something felt weird about them so when i got home i took them off and changed into pajamas and i was looking at the back of them and
partybarackisinthehousetonight: pro tip: fill the piñata with absolutely nothing to prepare your kids for the letdowns of adulthood
jebiwonkenobi: When I was little I thought being an adult meant not having a bed time but I’ve come to realize that it just means being in charge of my own bed time and it turns out that I am not equipped to handle that responsibility.
comemorninglighte: sunsetmugging: captainodair: whats the html code for a social life <go> </outside> 404 error
forever-and-alwayss: Seriously need new friends.
icedoutyouth: I feel like I’m losing a lot of my friends and it’s not because of anything I did, they just got better friends.
roseisreturning: mermaids don’t have thigh gaps but they can still lure men to their deaths
COSMO SEX TIP #8329
arekelly: Instead of moaning during climax say “Flash 9 required for audio”.
slydig: lovemenowtill4ever: slydig: who would name their kid zoey 101 Uhm……that was her room number not part of her name why would her room number be zoey
obliteratedheart: Always remember that you are not worthless, organs are extremely expensive on the black market